I have gathered information from various sources and come up with some answers to this question. Keep in mind that each man is different, so be sure to check it out with your own partner.
• First, a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women, but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman, and it is very noticeable how many men try to hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.
• Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren’t necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don’t like women who weigh 80lbs. However, men do want a woman who takes pride in her appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don’t believe any man who says otherwise.
• Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact, it’s all great fun and part of a woman’s character. However, reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.
• Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willingly share in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long-term relationship.
• Men are seeking women who are feminine, gentle, and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do; it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.
• Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is ‘one of the boys’. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and with whom they can have fun. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. When not working, men want to have a good time and relax and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.
• Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn’t make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps, farts, and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn’t necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don’t. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.
• Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior and career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.
• Men don’t like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one, but by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.
• Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they’re in secure territory. When a man is challenged, he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.
• Men are generally more reserved about sex than women are. This is my experience and is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn’t there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexual adventure has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.
• Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn’t take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend with whom they can share, trust, and with whom they can be open. Commitment is not a one-way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously.
• Men don’t want to be alone.

Men Want To Be Trusted
Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. How many times have I heard in couples counseling men say to their wives, If you would just trust me?
Many men wonder why it seems so difficult for their wives to do something so seemingly simple. The answer stems from the physiological differences between the sexes. It begins at birth when little boys are given a distinct physical advantage over little girls by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes the physical strength to defend themselves from danger or run away from a threat. Most little girls don’t have that ability. They don’t have the strength to defend themselves in a physical fight when they feel threatened. If a boy trusts someone who in turn hurts him, he can always defend himself physically (or try to). Little girls don’t have that physical resource of power. Since a person can only trust from a position of strength, those same little girls will grow up into women who naturally have a more difficult time trusting when they feel vulnerable.
So men, when you ask the woman of your choice to simply trust you, it’s not that she can’t, it’s just that she’s more vulnerable than you are. If you want her to trust you, she needs something that will help her develop that trust.
Perhaps even a tool or gesture that she can “count on” until her trust in you is established. Thankfully this tool already exists and is known by every woman. What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word. To her, making a promise is meaningless if there is no follow-through.
A woman needs to SEE her man fulfill his promises – not just hear his pledge without action.
Imagine someone told you that I was the meanest person they had ever met. For months, all you heard was how terrible I treated my family and friends. Then one day you meet me, and during the course of our meeting, you begin to notice that I don’t seem to be as horrible as you have been led to believe. I actually appear to be rather pleasant. Would you change your entire opinion about me from just one visit? Probably not! However, if you saw me respond consistently with kindness and humility over a period of several weeks, your opinion of me would begin to change.
A paradox has just been established. The kindness you have seen in me for the last few weeks does not match what you have heard about me. All the rumors of how mean I am begin to fade into darkness because of my consistent actions. Over time, what you see will replace most, if not all, of your concerns about my character. Men, when the woman you love sees your words lining up with your actions, trust will naturally follow. When you don’t keep your word, it causes your wife or girlfriend to become fearful. From her perspective, she has entrusted you with her heart and WANTS to trust you. She simply needs you to help her trust so she can give you what you want.
Another Man’s Opinion
Have you ever been on a date and thought to yourself ‘did she just say what I think she just said?’ or how about ‘okay, this will be my last meal; dear God please let her end it quickly.’ Yes, I think many of us have had this experience. I’ve also had dates in which the conversation was absolutely delightful and both of us were firing on all cylinders. Of course, I have been told that comparing a date with a combustion engine is slightly unromantic. But I digress, so what do men want from a woman? I will try to give my humble and modest assessment of what a man wants from a female. Since I do not have the collective unconscious of all men I will use my anecdotal stories to develop an idea of what I want from a woman.

Sometimes it’s easier to start with what really turns me off. A woman needs to be comfortable in her skin and be approachable. I have noticed that the vibe you send off will attract the same vibe back. So if you’re looking for a young hot stallion (undoubtedly I will magically appear next to you ;p) chances are you will attract that over. Just don’t be incensed if the conversation is drier than a martini. So my first suggestion is try to be comfortable in your own right and don’t put up a front. This of course is difficult because first dates (even the first month or two) of a relationship are always like a job interview. We send our best representatives on the first few dates; they present us in the best light. Of course, once the interview is over many people decide they have tenure in the relationship and let their true colors shine. So if any red flags jump out at you in these first encounters make sure to heed them!

What turns me on more than anything (no, not lingerie, although that’s high on the list!) is a woman that knows how to respect a man. See, most men since day one are bombarded that they have to be a gentlemen, treat a lady right, respect her, and ultimately make like she was a princess. This is important, but would you treat any person like this? What I have noticed is that many ladies (excluding those special ladies that I will highlight in a minute) feel that it is their entitlement to all these gifts from men. This should not be the case. A woman that can respect a man wins numerous points in my book because they are reciprocating the same vibe that I am giving to them. A partnership is much more sexier, sensual, and passionate than a dictatorship.

A woman who is smart is very sexy. Can I say that again? A woman who is smart is very sexy. I cannot underscore that having a woman with a superior intellect is one of my deepest fetishes. In the few serious relationships that I have had, I noticed that intelligence has either drawn me in further or repelled me away. When I say smart I need to qualify what smart means. A woman that is smart can hold a conversation, has a good sense of humor (if she’s laughing at my jokes she must laugh at anything), and can be serious when it is necessary. A woman that has these qualities will keep a man and keep him happy. And isn’t that what a good relationship is about? Giving and receiving. Like a never-ending Christmas, a good relationship will bring countless gifts and wonderful surprises to you. And finally, there must be an attraction. Without this the fire cannot be started. You can have the most elaborate battleship but without the fuel, you’ll be going nowhere fast; and chances are if you’re smart enough to jump ship you’ll avoid a titanic finale too. This is only fair to both of you since a woman and a man does not want to be led on in any relationship. And attraction can be mental and physical; the mileage for each person will vary.

Not So Serious Stuff
Straight from the mouths of the guys themselves — it turns out what they crave is simpler, sweeter, and more surprising than you’d ever imagine. Here, our guy spills their not-so-dirty secrets.
• “A full shelf just for us in the medicine cabinet.”
Not a two-inch-wide slot — a whole, wall-to-wall shelf. Rescuing our razor from an avalanche of lipstick, Secret sticks, and those triangle sponge thingies is not the most fun way to start the morning. And by the way, what the hell are those triangle things for? Are you playing blocks in there?
• “You waking us up in the middle of the night…completely naked.”
There are two things every dude in a long-term relationship desires: excitement and nudity. And with this little move, you’re killing two naughty birds with one sexy stone. Wake us up at 3 a.m. and tell us that you just had the hottest dream and can’t fall back to sleep. Then watch the fog of sleep — along with other things — suddenly lift. “Naked is the best thing ever in bed, along with maybe pizza,” says a 37year old. “The spontaneity of being woken up like that is what makes it exciting, assuming I could actually be coherent in the middle of the night.” And who knows, your adventurousness might just inspire us to new heights of under-the-covers creativity in return.
• “A free pass to skip some boring get-together.”
We think your family is great. Really. How could we have anything less than affection for your brothers, sisters, and, of course, your parents, the people who raised the woman we love and adore? But here’s the thing: We also love and adore lying on the couch, when the only sounds in the house are a televised baseball game and our snores. It’s nothing personal, but a Saturday afternoon of pure vegetation, as opposed to making small talk at your niece’s birthday party, would be the greatest gift ever. “My wife once told my in-laws that I had a stomach flu the day of a big family barbecue,” says a36 year old. “I felt like I was playing hooky — it was the best! As a thank you, I didn’t complain about being dragged along on her epic mall shopping trips for months after that.”
• “More girls’ nights out.”
Yep, you heard us right — because when you go out with your best buds, you recharge your batteries, blow off some steam, and come home a happy camper. And when you’re happy, we’re happy. (Plus, we all know what a few cosmos do to you when the lights click off. Growl!) And, okay, on a much less charitable note, it gives us much-needed ammunition for that “Can I spend the weekend with my buddies in Vegas?” request we’ll be making in a few months.”
• “A chance to handle the kids solo.”
We swear we won’t break them. Sure, we might let them go a few feet higher on the swings than you would, but getting into a little mischief with the kiddies is one of the inalienable rights of fatherhood. Running around like maniacs, eating ice cream before lunch — these are the kinds of bonding sessions we dream about while stuck in our dreary offices. So take the afternoon off and let us go nuts with the kids.
• “To be told how manly we are when we fix something.”
Even if we’re only changing a light bulb, fawn over us as if we were a greased-up Ty Pennington who just added a 4,000-square-foot walk-in closet to your bedroom. “Nothing makes a guy feel like more of a man than when his woman hands him a cold beer after he’s been working hard,” says a 32 year old. “Yes, that is very 1950s, but it’s the truth.”
• “Oral sex.”
Duh.
• “Acceptance of our inner dork.”
“I secretly crave a woman who will dust — without complaint or editorial comment — my extensive collection of action figures,” says a 48 year old painter, who was voted the number one Star Wars artist of all time by Star Wars Galaxy magazine. (Sorry, ladies, he’s taken.) Look, we know we should have outgrown comic books and sci-fi flicks at least 15 years ago, but the fact is, we haven’t. So, you can make fun of us for our nerdy cravings, or you can tag along with us to the latest superhero movie and watch Hugh Jackman or Christian Bale run around in a tank top. Is that really such a chore?
• “You paying the neighborhood kid to shovel the driveway before we get our fat asses out of bed.”
Or, failing that, hooking us up with a cup of hot cocoa when we come back inside grumbling about moving the family to Florida. Think of it this way: Besides making our morning, that $20 you spent just bought you hours and hours of not having to hear us complain about how much our back hurts from shoveling.
• “A spa treatment for you.”
This might sound selfless and giving, but we have an ulterior motive. When you have silky, smooth skin, you can’t wait for us to get our hands on you, and neither can we.
• “You not saying how fat you think you are when you get dressed in the morning.”
Who cares if you can’t fit into a dress that you used to wear 15 years ago? We think you’re still totally hot. “Confidence is sexy,” explains Bob. Complaining that you feel fat and gross isn’t. After all, we men don’t all have the six-pack we want, but that doesn’t stop us from acting like we’re super studs. Bottom line: Whether or not you’ve shed that stubborn 10 pounds you’ve been dying to ditch, we want you to jump our bones. And if you do, that smile you leave on our faces will give you 10 times more confidence than any infomercial diet plan ever could.
• “A little dirty talk.”
Doesn’t matter when, doesn’t matter what. Even if it doesn’t make sense, a whispered sentence that includes the words “throbbing,” panties,” and “broom closet” will make our week.
• “Someone else taking out the garbage.”
Dragging that stinking Hefty bag out to the curb before the health department declares your kitchen a biohazard might seem like a small thing, but in case you haven’t realized, guys are lazy bastards. Discovering that a dreaded chore has already been done is like finding a brand-new bike under the Christmas tree. We might not notice that you cut four inches off your hair and dyed it blonde, but we will notice this. And we will reciprocate. Expect us to bring you a glass of water in bed before you ask. Expect us to pick those socks up off the floor. Because if The Sopranos has taught us anything, it’s that when someone does you a favor, you return it.
• “You leaving the armoire doors open so we don’t have to walk across the room and open them when we want to watch the TV in bed.”
(See above, re: Guys are lazy bastards.)
• “More nagging.”
That may sound like a pile of what your neighbor’s poodle left on your lawn, but honestly, there is such a thing as good nagging. If it weren’t for you staying on top of how we eat, drink, and dress, most dudes would subsist on pizza and beer and live in sweatpants. We may bitch and moan about your pestering, but at the end of the day, we know that you’re just looking out for us, and though we’ll never admit it, that makes us feel pretty great.
• “A movie theater make-out session.”
Boredom is the greatest malady affecting marriages today, and I am a strong believer that husbands and wives have to do things that are inappropriate to break routine. Just make sure you hide from the usher. Not only will you make us feel like we’re 14 again (minus the cracking voice and socially crippling acne), you’ll show us that even though Brad Pitt is shirtless on the big screen, we own the only pair of lips in the world that you want to be locked with. (And if you’re secretly picturing the shirtless Mr. Pitt while we’re playing tonsil hockey, no harm done.)
• “Fast food for dinner every once and a while.”
You know how much it sucks to diet and exercise, so when we’re on some kind of fitness program, throw us a bone — preferably one covered in fried chicken — and help us cheat occasionally. See, if we buy a 12-piece bucket ourselves, then we’re weak-willed blubber butts. But if we eat something our wives picked up as a treat, we’re being gracious, appreciative husbands. You went to the trouble to pull up to a drive-through, so it’d just be hurtful not to accept your thoughtful gesture, right?
• Do men like Brazilian Wax – well it depends‼!

Despite conventional wisdom that the divorce rate is still increasing, the fact of the matter is that the divorce rate in the United States is the lowest it has been since it peaked in the early 1980s. Nevertheless, couples getting married today have about a 40-45% chance of getting divorced. These figures do not include couples who remain married but who have high conflict relationships that are emotionally harmful to both partners and their children and detrimental to job performance; as well as the marriages where one or both partners have “fallen out of love” and have low levels of positive connections (e.g., fun, friendship, sex).
Many factors influence risk for divorce. For example, sociological studies show that couples with higher levels of education are less likely to divorce. In addition, research by Drs. Galena Rhoades, Scott Stanley and myself at the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies shows that couples who live together without a commitment to marry, and then marry are at higher risk for divorce than couples who do not live together at all, or live together after engagement.
The social-economic costs of serious relationship distress, destructive relationship conflict, and divorce are enormous, with some estimates reaching billions of dollars a year (given there are close to 1 million divorces a year, if one assumes that each divorce costs an average of $1000 per divorce that estimate comes to 1 billion dollars). Costs include increased health care expenditures for both children and adults, decreased educational attainment for children, declines in economic status (particularly for woman and children), eroded professional performance, legal costs including stress on our legal system.
How can we help couples to have healthier and happier marriages? Early in my work I was interested in “divorce prevention.” Since then we have learned that there are at times good divorces where the interests of at least one partner is best served by termination of the marriage. For example, in cases of infidelity (which researchers are now calling extra-marital involvement, partially to take into account non-sexual relationships where partners are emotionally involved with another and lying about the other relationship) and aggression (intimate partner violence), divorce may be viewed as a positive life decision for one of the involved partners.

When marital problems arise, couples therapy is one option that many people think about. However most couples marry and divorce without seeking marital therapy from a couples therapist, and those that do often wait too long and do not see a therapist trained in empirically supported interventions. Access to such services should be an important priority for the nation and careful consideration should be given to expanding health insurance plans to include coverage for empirically based services for treating relationship distress.
In the most successful cases of couples therapy, partners that work through substantial issues are happier than before therapy, yet generally do not reach the level of happiness they had before problems developed. Many couples at the end of therapy have said to me, “Howard, thanks, and I wish I had seen you or taken one of your workshops 20 years ago, when we young, happy, and in love.”

However couples therapy is only part of the answer to the question of how to increase relationship health. The most important answer is in one word: Education.

Relationship education includes classes, workshops, and online learning where partners can learn the skills and principles that over 30 years of research has shown to be associated with relationship happiness. In controlled clinical trials, couples who complete a relationship education program communicate better, handle conflicts and negative emotions more constructively, have lower risk of divorce and higher levels of relationship happiness.
My message to couples: Don’t wait until things get really nasty or until you have lost that loving feeling. Even if you are at the end of your rope, it’s still not too late. Access to pre-marital and early interventions have been expanded in the past five years and there is federal funding through the Administration for Children and Families (ACF) for relationship education services, particularly for lower income families. Chances are high that couples can find a class close to home and learn skills to use now and in the future.
Clipped from The Huffington Post – author Howard Markman

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers — “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” — those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”

That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times — G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes by so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add — “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up — I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here’s what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. It’s those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is — This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God — she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.

Written by Glennon Melton blogging for the Huffington Post

The Visionary Alliance & Dr. Carol Drury
Announce
the First Workshop & Retreat In a Series for 2010 – 2011
Workshop #1:
Understanding Differences in the Male & Female Brain or
“When It Comes to Relationships, We Are Still Neanderthals!”

Who Should Attend?
Anyone in a Relationship with a Member of the Opposite Sex – Personally or Professionally
(guaranteed to improve all your relationships with partners, coworkers, bosses, family, and even your adolescent children!)

Date: Saturday – September 25, 2010
Time: 8:30 a.m. – 6:00 p.m.
Where: The Hilton Garden Inn Solomons
Fee: $345.00 per person ($50.00 off per couple, if husband & wife or committed partners attend together)

Retreat #1:
Finding & Keeping Love for Couples Through Imago Relationship Theory

Date & Time: October 21 – 23, Friday 5:30 pm – Sunday 2:00 pm
Location: The Hilton Garden Inn Solomons – hotel stay required

A Substantial Breakfast, a Satisfying Lunch, and All-day Drinks & Snack Bar included in the fee. We promise to fill your day with interactive learning & valuable information that you will immediately find useful when you return home or back to the office.

There will be door prizes for added fun.
Certificates of Attendance will be available at the conclusion of the day.

For information about the workshop content
Contact Dr. Carol Drury, CEO at cdrury@md.metrocast.net
or 301-475-5969

For registration, scholarship, & general workshop information contact
Bonnie Elward, Executive Assistant at bonnieelward@verizon.net
or 301-863-0130

http://www.cdrury.com/bridges

The subject of the first workshop is: “The Difference Between the Male & Female Brain” or “We are All Still Neaderthals.” This workshop is perfect for anyone in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex – personally or professionally. I have to tell you that the information included in this workshop is so so interesting – it will blow you away, and make a significant positive improvement in all your relationships. It is the most interesting information I have read in years.

The workshop will take place on Saturday, September 25, 2010 from 8:30am – 6:00pm at the Hilton Gardens Solomon (Maryland). The fee is $345.00 and includes a Healthy Breakfast, a Buffet Lunch, and All-day Drinks &  Snack Bar will be available thoughout the day. Please let me know if you have a favorite non-alcoholic beverage so we can add it to our list.

If a married couple or long-term commited partners attend together, there is a $50.00 reduction in their combined fees. Those attending will be given a Loyalty Card and will receive credits for attending workshops, referring others to the workshops, and completing evaluation forms. When sufficient loyalty credits are earned, they can be turned in for free workshops of your choice. Scholarships will be available for those in need and you can contact my Executive Assistant, Bonnie Elward at bonnieelward@verizon.net for more information. The number and type of scholarships will be dependent on the workshop and the total number of attendees. Please contact either Bonnie or me with any special circumstances.

There will be lots of door prizes just to make it a little more fun, and Certificates of Attendance will be provided at the conclusion of the day. Please let us know of any special accomodations you may require. It is our intent to make this the best learning experience you have had since Kindergarten!

Please email me at cdrury@md.metrocast.net for additional information on the workshop or retreat content and Bonnie at bonnieelward@verizon.net for a registrationand/or scholarship form or additional information regarding directions, scholarships, or special accomodations.

One clue that a person is attempting to intimidate or manipulate you is the use of unpredictable, or protean, behavior—acts that are random and seemingly out of the blue. A dictator keeps his minions guessing—and scared. Some forms of despotism are much subtler: Duke Ellington was known for provoking heated rivalries and feuds among his band mates in the belief that such strife would make the music hotter.

Erratic behavior is a powerful weapon because it defies accurate prediction. Often, the behavior comes as a surprise even to the person generating it.  Flying into a rage or staring you down and dismissing you summarily are common strategies to keep you off-kilter. Unpredictable actions serve the purpose of confusing potential usurpers and avoiding responsibility. Your boss freaks out, throws things and yells. Some might call him irrational, but the irrationality gives him a leg up.

Erratic behavior served adaptive ends in our past, and it still does. Just as a minnow might cut a zigzagging path to avoid being snapped up by a larger fish, the boss alternately screams and stonewalls to avoid having her motives laid bare.

Protean behavior evolved to prevent people from being psyched out. That’s not to say that fickle acts are always openly hostile and aggressive. The difficult person can just as easily be solicitous or seductive: Think of femme fatales from biblical Judith to Mata Hari. Unpredictable behavior is at heart about deception, and it’s just as likely to be unconscious as conscious.

If such behavior comes from a boss or a spouse, you’ve got some tricky choices to make. There are several problems confronting you at once, since you’re juggling competing goals. Your ego tells you to stick up for yourself, but you want to avoid an unnecessary argument.

Usually we can’t resist getting riled up in our own defense. The ease with which we fall into dueling dyads is a remnant of a “culture of honor” that most of our ancestors needed to adopt. Our neural circuitry equips us to jump immediately to our own defense. The Neanderthink urge to rectify an injustice kicks in automatically, lest we accept abject defeat. The immediacy of the “me versus you” and “us versus them” reaction hinders a more intelligent and considered response.

We usually regret having charged into battle—or at least we wonder what we were thinking, and that’s just it: We weren’t thinking. An emotional reaction bypasses thoughtful deliberation. No rational person today would engage in an argument with a random person on the street. However, if someone bumps into us, blocks our way or otherwise wants to hassle us, our immediate inclination is to freeze, fight or flee. Similarly, our immediate response to the verbal slights or manipulative barbs of a difficult person is often to fight back. Your immediate reaction is, I can’t stand this crazy, insulting behavior.

We too quickly jump to our own defense when we feel insulted. We do so because we have evolved a hyper-vigilant concern for our standing among peers. This focus on status makes sense as a play for dominance and power, qualities that translate into real mating options. The need to retain status is an example of Neanderthink. This knee-jerk demand for status can push us to get outraged and to lose focus on larger goals, such as keeping your job or your partner. We want to prove that we are correct—but doing it angrily and intolerantly can hinder your major objectives. Dominance at every turn is good, but not a necessity.

This is not to say that everyone has the immediate urge to lash out in self-defense. Some people freeze when confronted with criticism, telling himself or herself, I must not be criticized or I must be above criticism. Temporary paralysis in response to a physical threat may once have kept you alive; but freezing in the face of a verbal onslaught won’t help you make your case.

 To cope with a difficult person, you need to learn to question your automatic defensive philosophies, such as I will not be treated that way; I won’t let you get away with this and my reputation is on the line if I fail.

Certainly, we all can be miserable, hostile and unpleasant at times. However, difficult people are this way all the time. A brief encounter with a difficult person leaves one angry, frustrated, and demoralized. These people go right for the jugular vein. The negative behavioral patterns they learned are used strategically to wear you down. Their only objective is to win regardless of who stands in their way.

Difficult people have learned to be this way because it is effective for them. Their hostile and negative behavior serves them well. Their arsenal of aggressive behavior catches their prey off guard and then renders them helpless. Consequently, after a confrontation with these people, it’s usual to feel mentally abused and frustrated.

Resisting the trap set by difficult people is easier if you’re aware of your vulnerability to getting hurt and then feeling angry. That tendency is a vestige of Neanderthink, because there was a time when your status was more closely linked to life or death than it is today. In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

Research shows that supportive relationships are good for our mental and physical health. However, dealing with difficult people and maintaining ongoing negative relationships is actually detrimental to our health. It’s a good idea to diminish or eliminate relationships that are filled with conflict. However, what do you do if the person in question is a family member, co-worker, or someone you otherwise can’t easily eliminate from your life?

The following are tips for dealing with difficult people who are in your life, for better or for worse:

 1. Avoid discussing divisive and personal issues, like religion and politics, or other issues that tend to cause conflict. If the other person tries to engage you in a discussion that will probably become an argument, change the subject or leave the room.

    2. In dealing with difficult people, don’t try to change the other person; you will only enter into a power struggle, cause defensiveness, invite criticism, or otherwise make things worse. It also makes you a more difficult person to deal with. Change your response to the other person; this is all you have the power to change. For example, don’t feel you need to accept abusive behavior. You can use assertive communication to draw boundaries when the other person chooses to treat you in an unacceptable way.

    3. Try not to place blame on yourself or the other person for the negative   interactions. It may just be a case of your two personalities fitting poorly.

    4. Remember that you don’t have to be close with everyone; just being polite goes a long way toward getting along and appropriately dealing with difficult people.

 5. Work to maintain a sense of humor – difficulties will roll off your back much more easily. Shows like The Office and books like David Sedaris’ Naked can help you see the humor in dealing with difficult people.

 6. Be sure to cultivate other more positive relationships in your life to offset the negativity of dealing with difficult people.

 7. Remember that most relationship difficulties are due to a dynamic between two people rather than one person being unilaterally “bad.” Here’s a list of things to avoid in dealing with conflict. Do you do any of them?

        A.      Try to look for the positive aspects of others, especially when dealing with family, and focus on them. The other person will feel more appreciated, and you will likely enjoy your time together more.

        B.      However, don’t pretend the other person’s negative traits don’t exist. Don’t tell your secrets to a gossip, rely on a flake, or look for affection from someone who isn’t able to give it. This is part of accepting them for who they are.

        C.      Get your needs met from others who are able to meet your needs. Tell your secrets to a trustworthy friend who’s a good listener, or process your feelings through journaling, for example. Rely on people who have proven to be trustworthy and supportive. This will help you and the other person by taking pressure off the relationship and removing a source of conflict.

        D.     Know when it’s time to distance yourself, and do so. If the other person can’t be around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact may be the key. If they’re continually abusive, it’s best to cut ties and let them know why. Explain what needs to happen if there ever is to be a relationship, and let it go. (If the offending party is a boss or co-worker, you may consider switching jobs.)

The first step in coping with a difficult person is to understand why they behave this way. Generally, these people are unhappy, insecure, and have low self-esteem. Early in life they learned to get their needs met in maladaptive ways, such as, being the bully. Although there are different types of difficult people – some are overly aggressive, while others may be passive-aggressive – their dynamics are similar. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved and accepted. Unfortunately, they have learned inappropriate ways to achieve this.

These behavioral patterns are deeply ingrained in the personality of the difficult person. The overly aggressive difficult person (one who bullies, explodes, screams, etc.) uses their aggressive posture as a defense mechanism. Because of their weak and fragile ego, they need to protect themselves. Their best defense is a strong offense-aggression. Therefore, they feel in control of themselves only in a situation that allows them to feel powerful. However, it doesn’t stop there. Like all weak people, their insatiable need to feel secure makes it necessary for them to win – and to win at any cost.

The second step in trying to cope with difficult people is to distinguish between a person who is having a bad day and one who is a difficult person. Keep in mind that difficult people make up a small percentage of the population. However, having an encounter with one makes that percentage appear larger.

The first way to help distinguish between the two is to reflect on the history of the person. In other words, “Is the behavioral pattern normal or unusual for this person?” The difficult person is this way all of the time. A non-difficult person who is having a bad day is just reacting to a particular situation.

Another approach in distinguishing between the difficult person and a person having a bad day is found in the way you communicate with them. Although hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to your effective communication and rational reasoning. The difficult person will be relentless in their pursuit to beat you and win.

To help you maintain composure when confronted by difficult people, it is important to keep three things in mind. First, you can never change the difficult person. The old saying that a leopard never loses its spots holds true with the difficult person. These people need to be this way and for them to change is to expose their vulnerability.

When confronted by difficult people, remain focused and firm. Like spiders spinning their webs, they are trying to trap you. By bombarding your ego with insults and intimidation, they want you to lose control and fight with them. When this happens, they got-cha. Listen to them, maintain direct eye contact and when appropriate speak in a clear firm voice. It is easy to become wrapped up in the heated situation, so remain detached and distant from these people. Doing so will help keep you from becoming entangled in their web of misery and hostility.

The final step to help cope with the difficult person is not to personalize the problem. Certainly, this is easier said than done. Between wishing they would be different, thinking you can really help them, and trying to survive their emotional assault, it’s difficult not to internalize the problem. Yet, in order to cope effectively with these people, it is crucial to maintain your self-esteem. Some of the following thoughts might be helpful in your attempt to depersonalize the situation:

This is their problem; I will not make it mine.                                                           I’m not going to allow anyone to dictate my behavior.                                   They want me to fight with them, but I won’t allow it.                                              Their need to be difficult is a cover-up for their own inadequacies.                   I have the choice to play or not this game.

1. The bottom line is that trying to cope with difficult people is never easy and is quite frustrating. Trust the fact that all people have trouble dealing with difficult people. Although it may not seem possible to deal with difficult people effectively, remain confident in your abilities and coping skills. In addition, keep in mind that engaging in an argument with these people is a no-win proposition. In fact, the only way for you to win is to elect not to play.
2. If you’re required to respond to an irrational attack, ask the antagonist what exactly he is upset about, in order to show that you are interested in communicating rather than in arguing. The burden of responsibility is now on the antagonist once again.
3. After the unreasonable salvo, go ahead and agree with a kernel of truth in the complaint. You’ll overcome your own Neanderthink impulse to jump into the fray by looking for that one small fact about which the critic is correct—and hen agreeing with that single point. Your boss calls you a screw-up. Ask, “In what way did I screw up?” If she says, “You just are a screw up,” agree with one discreet example (if it is accurate), but correct her overgeneralization.
4. You can defend yourself more easily and tactfully once the emotional heat has abated. Say your boss says, “Again, you’re totally screwing up.” You can defend without a defensive tone: “It is true that I made a mistake, and I appreciate constructive feedback to minimize errors in the future.” Stand up for yourself by reiterating the specific error, but refuse to be incorrectly labeled a screw-up.
5. Offer to the difficult person your best guess as to what he or she is feeling, and ask for feedback. “It sounds like you’re angry right now, and I’m sorry about that.” This demonstrates a willingness to understand the difficult person’s frustration without blame or defensiveness.
6. Resist the urge to fight to win the argument. Listening and asking questions leads others to their own better conclusions. This process is known as the Socratic Method. Although it didn’t ultimately help Socrates, today’s laws are a bit more enlightened—so it might help you.
7. Forgive – What would the Dali Lama do if he were in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, what is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?
8.  Wait it Out – Sometimes I feel compelled to send instantly an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is allowing cool off time. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
9. Does it really matter if I am right? – Some times, we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask Does it matter if I am right? If yes, then ask why do I need to be right? What will I gain?
10. Don’t Respond – Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
11. Stop Talking About It – When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice. Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best not to repeat the story to others.
12. Be In Their Shoes – As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
13. Look for the Lessons – No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it, some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
14. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life – Negative people can be a source of energy drain, while deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
15. Become the Observer – When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
16. Go for a Run – or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
17. Worst Case Scenario – Ask yourself two questions, if I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?  If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it? Answering these questions often adds    perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come    out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
18. Avoid Heated Discussions – When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
19. Most Important – List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?
20. Pour Honey – This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to Pour Poison on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
21. Express It – Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

 We often believe that forgiveness is for the benefit of the person who has offended us.  Not true! It is for the benefit of the forgiver. In his book, Forgive and Forget, Lewis B. Smedes has written, “Forgiveness is outrageous.  When we do it, we commit an outrage against the strict morality that will not rest with anything short of an even score.  It is creative – for we create a new beginning out of [our] past pain that never had a right to exist in the first place.” Creating a new beginning out of our personal pain benefits us more than anyone else. 

Forgiveness seems even more difficult when the offender does not apologize or when he or she may not even be aware that you are hurt. It often seems impossible when physical or emotional distance makes reconciliation impossible or when the injury runs so deep, its effects reverberate throughout your whole life. When we don’t forgive, old anger and pain keep bubbling up in our lives, creating resentment, guilt and general unhappiness. If you find yourself saying repeatedly, I just can’t forgive or that injustice is just too great, consider well the painful consequences to your own emotional life that you will maintain or make worse.

How do we go about learning the skill of forgiveness? Perhaps the following suggestions will be useful.

 Remember that forgiveness does not happen quickly. No more than a physical wound instantly heals with the application of a bandage; forgiveness does not occur in a single moment of tear-streaked reunion. Forgiveness is a journey. It is a process. So learn to be patient and persistent as you travel the road of forgiveness with the end of the journey, the freedom and internal peace, kept firmly in the forefront of your mind.

Bring to mind the offense. Remember it. It may be easy to forget the little hurts and inconveniences of daily living. It is painful to remember the major wounds and tragedies. However, to forget and repress such memories only drives them underground in your psyche where they fester and re-emerge in ways that damage you and your relationships. You cannot forgive what you refuse to remember. Sure remembering may be painful. So, be caring and gentle with yourself, and remember in small amounts. With remembering comes greater understanding.

Recall the consequences of the injury: the shattered relationship, the pain, the loss or losses and the material or psychological setback. What part of yourself was lost that you would like to recover to make yourself whole once again?

Consciously decide to forgive. I know parents of a young child who was raped and brutally murdered. When they got past the usual denial of that terrible injustice, they remembered the event with all its horror. Only then could they decide to forgive or not. Face that decision squarely. Do you really want to forgive? When anger and hatred have been living in our hearts for any length of time, we become used to them. We may even grow to like our grudges and our hatreds.

Finally, write down the anticipated consequences of forgiving. What are the benefits to you?  Write out what difference forgiving will make in your life. What will you gain?  What will you lose? Then decide to do something in a forgiving way. You can contact the offender or you can write a letter that you may never send, but where you express your forgiveness. You can also have a ceremony where you write down the harm that was done to you, then light the paper on fire, and watch it all go up in smoke or cut it up into small pieces and scatter it on the water.

Repair the damage as best you can. Systematically, move to the compassionate position of wishing well to the person who hurt you. At that point, you will know you have reached the end of your journey. Forgiving can be a long, painful journey, but the freedom and new life for you, makes the trip worthwhile.

Definition of a Broken Heart

A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphore used to describe the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, through death, divorce, breakup, moving, being rejected, or other means.

Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a spouse or loved one, though losing a parent, child, pet, or close friend can also break one’s heart. The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest because of the loss. Although heartbreak is usually a metaphor, there is a condition – known as broken heart syndrome - where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.

For many people having a broken heart is something not recognized at first, as it takes time for you to acknowledge an emotional or physical loss. Human beings are not always aware of what they are feeling. Like animals, they  may not be able to put their feelings into words. This does not mean they have no feelings. Sigmund Freud once speculated that

a man could be in love with a woman for six years and not know it until many years later. Such a man, with all the goodwill in the world, could not have verbalized what he did not know. He had the feelings, but he did not know about them. It may sound like a paradox — paradoxical because when we think of a feeling, we think of something that we are consciously aware of feeling. It is surely of the essence of an emotion that we should be  aware of it. Yet it is  beyond question that we can ‘have’ feelings that we do not know about.”  (Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson)

Religious Views – Buddhism

Regarding the sadness of loss and heartbreak, the Buddha had the following admonition:

O, monks! Why should every female, male, layperson, or priest always consider that all things they love would one day go away from  them? What is the advantage of taking the said matter into consideration? Hearken, monks! All fondness and love existing in the beings lead them to perform physical, verbal or mental bad deeds. Upon having always taken such matter into consideration? Hearken, monks! All fondness and love existing in the beings lead them to perform physical, verbal or mental bad deeds. Upon having always taken such matter into consideration, the being will be able to leave or lighten such fondness and love. O, monks! That is the advantage that every female, male, layperson, or priest should always consider that all things they love would one day go away from them.

In classical references – Psalm 69:20

             This biblical reference highlights the issues of pain surrounding a broken heart:

             Insults have broken my heart and left me weak, I looked for sympathy but there was none; I found no one to comfort me.

In this Psalm,King David says that insults have broken his heart, not loss or pain. It is also popular belief that rejection, major or minor, can break an individual’s heart. If a loved one rejects you, this heartbreak greatly increases.

Literature – Plays of William Shakespeare

Plays of William Shakespeare feature characters dying from a broken heart, such as Ahenobarbus. 

Changes to the Heart – Broken Heart Syndrome

In many legends and fictional tales, characters die after suffering a devastating loss. Nevertheless, even in reality people die from what appears to be a broken heart. We commonly blame broken heart syndrome for the death of a person whose spouse is already deceased, but the cause is not always so clear-cut. Sudden emotional stress caused by a traumatic breakup often causes the death of a loved one, or even the shock of a surprise party. Broken Heart syndrome is clinically different from a heart attack because the patients have few risk factors for heart disease and were previously healthy prior to the heart muscles weakening. The recovery rates for those suffering from broken heart syndrome are faster than those who had heart attacks and they achieved complete recovery to the heart within two weeks.

Associated Feelings

The symptoms of a broken heart can manifest themselves through  psychological pain but for many the effect is physical. Although we commonly regard the experience as indescribable, the following is a list of common symptoms that occur:

• A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack
• Stomachache and/or loss of appetite
• Partial or complete insomnia
• Anger
• Shock
• Nostalgia
• Apathy (loss of interest)
• Feelings of loneliness
• Feelings of hopelessness and despair
• Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem
• Medical or psychological illness (for example depression) (psychosomatic illnesses)
• Suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
• Nausea
• Fatigue
• The thousand-yard stare
• Constant or frequent crying
• A feeling of complete emptiness
• In extreme cases, death 

The Left Lower Ventricle

It appears that when a person is suffering the loss of a loved one wither from death or divorce, or separation, or just your garden variety break-up the left lower ventricle actually shrinks. It is hypothesized that this may cause the actually aching the one feels when heart-broken. The heart is actually broken!

 Types of Broken Hearts

Whether you are 22 or 62, the first step is to determine from which type of broken heart you currently suffer. There are actually four different types of broken hearts. Several factors determine the type broken heart from which you may suffer including your relationship history, the type of relationship, the reasons for the break-up, and many more. Once you know where your heart stands, your counselor, therapist, doctor, healer, or priest can give you customized healing advice.

 Start with the first healing step – the survey – to see where you stand. There are 15-questions and the entire survey should take about 2 minutes. If you’re ready to see which of the four types of broken hearts you suffer from, then go – take it!

How broken is your heart?   http://www.healmybrokenheart.com/assessment2

 What Exactly Is Heartbreak?

Many things can cause heartbreak. Some people might have had a romantic relationship that ended before they were ready. Others might have strong feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Alternatively, maybe a person feels sad or angry when a close friend ends or abandons the friendship. Although the causes may be different, the feeling of loss is the same — whether it’s the loss of something real or the loss of something for which you only hoped. People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and sadness

 How Can I Deal With How I Feel?

Most people will tell you you’ll get over it or you’ll meet someone else, but when it’s happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same way. If you’re experiencing these feelings, there are things you can do to lessen the pain.

Here are some tips that might help:

Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust — someone who recognizes what they’re going through — helps them feel better.  That could mean talking over all the things you feel, even having a good cry on the shoulder of a comforting friend, family member, counselor, healer, or religious leader. Others find they heal better if they hang out and do the things they normally enjoy, like seeing a movie or going to a concert, to take their minds off the hurt. If you feel like someone can’t relate to what you’re going through or is dismissive of your feelings, find someone more sympathetic with whom to talk. (OK, we know that sharing feelings can be tough for guys, but you don’t necessarily have to tell the football team or your wrestling coach what you’re going through. Talk with a friend or family member, a teacher, or counselor. It might make you more comfortable if you find a female family member or friend, like an older sister or a neighbor, to talk to.)

 Remember what’s good about you. This one is really important. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what’s happened. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they’re experiencing. If you find this happening to you, nip it in the bud! Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can’t think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to remind you. Listen for old tapes from your childhood that are causing you to be harder on yourself then the situation warrants.

Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful so don’t let the rest of your body get broken too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost.

 Don’t be afraid to cry. Going through a break-up can be extremely tough, and getting some of those raw emotions out can be a big help. I know this is another tough one for guys, but there’s no shame in crying now and then. No one has to see you do it — you don’t have to start blubbering in class or at soccer practice or anything. Just a find a place where you can be alone, like crying into your pillow at night or in the shower when you’re getting ready for the day.

Do the things you normally enjoy. Whether it’s seeing a movie or going to a concert, do something fun to take your mind off the negative feelings for a while.

Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you’re coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps. This is a great time to redecorate your room or try a new hobby. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think about what happened — working things through in our minds is all part of the healing process — it just means you should focus on other things too. 

Give yourself time. It takes time for sadness to go away. Almost everyone thinks he or she won’t feel normal again, but the human spirit is amazing — and the heartbreak usually heals after a while. How long will that take? That depends on what caused your heartbreak, how you deal with loss, and how quickly you tend to bounce back from things. Getting over a break-up can take a couple of days to many weeks — and sometimes-even months.  

Some people feel that nothing will make them happy again and resort to alcohol and/or drugs. Others feel angry and want to hurt himself or herself or someone else. People who drink, do drugs, or cut themselves to escape from the reality of a loss may think they are numbing their pain, but the feeling is only temporary. They’re not really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all their feelings build up inside and prolongs the sadness.

Sometimes the sadness is so deep — or lasts so long — that a person may need some extra support. For someone who isn’t starting to feel better after a few weeks or who continues to feel depressed, talking to a counselor or therapist can be very helpful. So be patient with you, and let the healing begin.

 Broken Heart Survival Guide

People may say no one ever died of a broken heart, but when you’re suffering from one, it sure doesn’t feel that way–at least initially. These suggestions may help you navigate the painfully troubled waters of a relationship that has ended and help you heal a broken heart. How long will it be before you can get through your daily routine without feeling the wave of pain sweep over you, without sensing that knot in the pit of your stomach, without dwelling on what went wrong? If these are some of the questions you are asking yourself, you are not alone.

A broken heart can cause such an intense reaction that many of us feel our lives are being completely stripped of meaning. Jobs, hobbies, and friends no longer hold any joy for us. In fact, some even experience physical pain with a tight chest, nervous stomach, or terrible insomnia. Time heals all wounds is what we have all heard over the years, but do you really have to wait for time to heal these wounds? Absolutely not. There are exercises that you can do to experience remarkable relief to your pain. They were developed by people who have been in this pain and sought a better way to heal.

Instructions

Days 1 and 2

1.  Step 1

Breathe. All you can do is survive this first and difficult day. Take one day at a time. Give yourself permission to mourn. Call in sick at work, sleep all day, eat too much ice cream, sob, be a mess if you need to.

2.  Step 2

Congratulate yourself for being human: It is only when you open yourself to love that your heart can break. Develop and repeat a helpful mantra to get you through the initial shock and pain, such as This too shall pass; I will survive; I am a good and worthy person; I will carry a new love in my heart one day – whatever works for you and makes you feel just a tad better even for a moment.

3.  Step 3

Reach out to a close friend or family member or make a call to a therapist, counselor, healer, or religious leader. It helps to share your thoughts with others. Watch a movie to distract yourself. Choose a comedy that has cheered you up in the past. Watch a movie that’s guaranteed to make you sob–it may surprise you how good that feels.

Month 1

4.  Step 1

Week 1: Force yourself to go out even if you are feeling despondent. Take yourself out for a cup of coffee or go on a long walk. Express your emotions in a way that comes naturally. Write in a journal, paint, sculpt or play music. Do daily cardiovascular exercise–the endorphins will give your spirits an immediate lift. Resist the urge to call your ex. Instead, write a letter. Don’t mail it. Go out of town for the weekend to distance yourself from the temptation to call your ex. Visit an old friend or go back home to your roots. A change of environment does wonders for the spirit. Put everything that reminds you of your ex in a box and seal it. Throw it away, donate it to charity or ask a friend to hold on to it indefinitely. Book a long weekend in a sunny place – go with a close friend or just a good book. Explore guided imagery and buy some CDs – www.healthjourneys.com.

5.  Step 2

Week 2: Surround yourself with friends. This may mean reaching out to people you fell out of touch with during the relationship. Make lists to help you regain your confidence and identity: a list of your friends, of things you like, of what you want to accomplish in the next decade. Spoil yourself: Get a new hairstyle, have a spa day or go shopping. Resist the urge to call your ex. Think only positive thoughts. Use thought stopping when a negative or morose thought comes into your head.

6.  Step 3

Week 3: Assess the experience. Have you learned anything about yourself? Does the experience make you more empathetic to others who’ve suffered a hardship? Begin an activity that will fill your time, distract your mind and rebuild your confidence. Train for a marathon, take up yoga or learn a new language. Resist the urge to call your ex. Volunteer your time at a local homeless shelter, soup kitchen or tutoring center. It will take your mind off your own woes and keep your suffering in perspective.

7.  Step 4

Week 4: Continue regular socializing and exercising. While socializing, though, make sure you don’t depend on alcohol or drugs to dull the pain. Consider dating other people, but be wary of rebound relationships. Understand that you will need to experience and process sadness, anger, guilt and fear to heal fully. Burying or ignoring these emotions will thwart the healing process. Write, cry, and share the feelings with friends. My rule is no serious relations for 1 year after a divorce, but few people listen to me; most wish they did!

Months 3 to 6

8.  Step 1

Force yourself to go on dates. You’ll be surprised to discover that your heart can still flutter over someone. It’s part of the healing process.

9.  Step 2

Consult a psychiatrist if you are experiencing symptoms of depression, such as lack of appetite, insomnia or too much sleeping, low self-esteem, and an inability to concentrate or carry out routine tasks. Ask a friend or physician to recommend one who is experienced in treating depression.

10.Step 3

Remember that healing is a process that takes time. Expect waves of sadness, anger, guilt or fear even after you think you are over it. Give your heart time to heal.

One year and beyond

11.Step 1

Compartmentalize the experience in your memory: “My heart was broken once. It really hurt and I’m glad it’s over.”

12.Step 2

Reach out to your ex if you want to re-establish a friendship. Do not harbor secret ambitions of winning him or her back. You’ll only set yourself up for another heartbreak. 

Additional Tips for Moving On:

1. It’s okay to grieve for a time. Seek support from your friends and family as you come to terms with the changes in your life.
2. Don’t look at past relationships as failures, but rather as opportunities to learn and improve your relationship skills. 
3. Don’t worry that you’re not in a relationship. Your value comes from who you are, not who you’re with.
4. You don’t have to be a recluse just because you aren’t a couple. Treat yourself to an evening out doing something you enjoy. Take along a friend if it’s not a solo activity.
5. Treat yourself to a special gift now and then. You are a special person and you deserve it.
6. There’s more to life than romantic love. Take this opportunity to nurture your friends, family and self.
7. Take some time to reevaluate what you need in a relationship. Have you been choosing partners who are not capable of a loving and mature relationship?
8. Be willing to take another chance on love. As they say, you can’t win if you don’t play.
9. Be a friend to yourself. If you care about yourself, the odds are better you will attract those you care about you too.
10. If you’re finding it hard to let go of a relationship, you may need to seek counseling. An obsessive need to be with someone who no longer wants a relationship may be a sign of love addiction.
11. Avoid jumping into a rebound relationship. Take some time to work through all the issues from your previous one.
12. Don’t try to get revenge. This will only slow your progress in healing from the hurt.
13. Forgive yourself. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them.
14. Forgive your partner. This doesn’t mean that you are saying what happened is okay. What it means is cutting your losses and not investing any more time in something that hurts you.
15. Looking back, what is the longest amount of time you have been out of a relationship? If it’s less than 6 months, you may be someone who defines himself or herself through your partner. This is a burden on your partner and no relationship will last with this kind of pressure. Find a great therapist and work out your childhood issues and possible abandonment issues if you ever expect to have a long-term loving relationship. Relationships are only as healthy as the two people in them are.

 Tips:

1. Church groups, volunteer activities, gyms, and university lectures are just a few ideas for meeting new people in a safe environment.
2. Get a makeover, join a gym, or start a diet. As you improve your health and appearance your self-esteem will rise.
3. Repeating daily affirmations can help you to regain confidence in yourself.

 First love

Getting over your first love is incredibly difficult. This is because we all think our first, real, wonderful, romantic love will last forever. Funnily enough, we don’t look at our friends and their early relationships and think that they will last forever. In addition, we know statistically that most people do not fall in love at 17 or thereabouts and stay with that person for life. However, knowing these things does not seem to stop us from feeling that our particular first love is golden and timeless and unlike any other. So when it ends its shattering.

The only comfort is that this romance has shown you how much love you have to give. In addition, people with love to give are attractive individuals to whom others are drawn. One day, you’ll look back at your first love and realize that it was a great dress rehearsal for subsequent relationships. However, you’re unlikely to feel that right now.

You can feel so beat up after your heart is broken that you feel seriously ill, or as if you’ve been in a car crash. So, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or a road traffic accident. Let other people care for you, too. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat lovely foods. Convalesce – allow yourself to cry – even if you’re a guy. It’s horrible at the time, but you’ll feel better afterwards. Take life gently – you’ve had a shock, and your mind and body need time to get over it.

 Your friends will help you get over it. Soon, they’ll be asking you to come out in a group to the cinema or the pub or whatever. At first you won’t be in the mood, but soon you’ll realize that there are some bonuses to being single again. In fact, you’ll find that this is a good time to do stuff that you didn’t do with your ex. So now you can go to the sorts of films that you like, or you can listen to your type of music, or go on your type of vacation.

 Once you’re over the stage of feeling shocked and ill, try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you’ve worn for so long. Write a list of the things that you don’t miss about your ex. At first, you’ll be thinking that you loved everything about this person, but you didn’t.  What about those awful jokes, the rows, how you always had to make the arrangements if anything was to get done, the times when your ex put you down or made you feel stupid or how they didn’t like your best mate? There are always elements to our past loves that weren’t right, and this is a good time to focus on them.

Starting again

Sometimes when our hearts are broken we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible. This is natural – but unwise. Your best bet is to embrace your single life wholeheartedly for six months or so. Obviously you may end up having sex with other people – but do make sure it’s safe sex. However, your emotions are not going to settle for quite a while, so have fun, but don’t go looking for anything else serious until you’re happy without your ex. You’ll know you’re getting over your heartache when you can get through a whole day without thinking about them. (Christine Webber – How To Mend A Broken Heart)

Scared of Singledom?

Sometimes the fear of being single keeps people in relationships that are well beyond their sell-by date. So how do you really know when it’s time to say goodbye?

 The signs

So, your relationship has run its course. You’re bored. You’re miserable. Unrewarded and uninspired. Still, it’s better than being alone, isn’t it? Here is a real example told in the first person:

Shelley and me were always known as the ‘marrieds’ at college because we pretty much did everything together, reveals, Mark, 20. But then we went to different universities, and things started to drift soon after. We saw each other whenever we could, but travelling cost a fortune and we both found it hard going. I suspected Shelley’s heart was going out of the relationship, but I couldn’t bring myself to address it. Why not? Fear, basically. Fear that we would split. I just didn’t know how I would cope alone, so I pretended everything was fine. For two terms.

Looking back, Mark admits he was miserable. His feelings for Shelley had changed, but the unknown intimidated him. All too often people think being single makes them second-class citizens, while in reality it can be liberating. 

That Christmas, Shelley and I went out and she told me she’d been seeing another guy. I was devastated, but it was also kind of inevitable, and for the first time we both talked freely about the situation we were in. We agreed it was over, which hit me hard, but I guess I’d been fearing a split for so long that it wasn’t actually as bad I imagined. In some ways it felt like a release. A chance to move on at last.” 

Mark’s tips:

• Be honest about your feelings: I think when you’re having doubts about the way ahead the one person you should be telling is your other half. It affects them as much as you do, after all. Had we been more upfront with each other about the fact that it wasn’t working out; it certainly would’ve been a much cleaner finish.
• Don’t just focus on the negative aspects of being single: Of course it’s going to hurt coming out of a relationship, but you forget the good things that come with being a free agent. Parties are more fun for a start!
• Take one step at a time: When you’re on the inside looking out, the prospect of being single seems a world away from what you’ve got. But it’s not like alien territory, and my fear that I’d end up lonely and desperate proved unfounded. In some ways I look at couples now and I’m glad I’m not in their shoes! 
• Accepting it’s over: You’ve split up with your partner but all you can think about is getting back together. No matter how much you want them back, the best way to move now is on. When you split up with someone that you still have feelings for it’s tempting to let them make all the rules in order to keep them in your life. The problem is, if there’s no hope of reconciliation, you’re just prolonging the agony – and it will take even longer for your broken heart to mend.
• Try to accept that it’s over: This is so difficult, but until you accept that the relationship is over you’ll probably keep reading ‘secret’ messages into everything connected with your ex. It’s particularly hard to believe you really have been dumped if you’re still seeing each other. The best way to get over a relationship is to sever all connection – even if just for a while. Of course this is very difficult if you’re in the same job or at college together – but the less contact you have the better.
• No sex with your ex: After a while, you and your ex might meet up – especially if you lived together and have to sort out possessions or have legal problems together. You might spend an evening sorting out these things, and then open a bottle of wine, and maybe then you’ll have a kiss and cuddle for old times’ sake and one thing could lead to another. Attractive though this sounds – especially if you are still in love with your ex – having sex could break your heart all over again. The chances are that your ex will get up abruptly afterwards and say something like This shouldn’t have happened, or Well that was nice, but it doesn’t change anything, and you’ll feel as devastated as when you first split up. So make it a rule – NO SEX WITH YOUR EX.  
• Can we still be friends? If your ex has said something like: Of course we must stay friends, be wary. Do you need this person as a friend? Well, perhaps it would be good long-term, but right now you want them as a lover – and being treated simply as a friend will prolong the agony of coming to terms with the split. The truth is that it will probably help your ex’s guilt about dumping you, but you’re the one who needs help right now, not your previous partner. The best thing to do is to keep your distance for a few months – and after that time, decide whether friendship is possible or even desirable. 

 Songs of Broken Hearts

 She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
I don’t know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life

It’s out of my hands
It’s out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted, I was so cavalier
Now, the way that it stands
She’s out of my hands

So, I’ve learned that love’s not possession
And I’ve learned that love won’t wait
Now, I’ve learned that love needs expression
But, I’ve learned too late

And she’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life…

The heart-wrenching vocals of Michael Jackson make this one of the best broken heart songs ever. It is often said that music is the magic that can heal the heart and soothe the soul. And the same applies in case of broken hearts as well. Although not much can be done to recover lost love, listening to a couple of songs about broken hearts can, at times, help the heart to ease the pain and the hurt. If you feel the same and you find yourself short of options regarding good broken heart songs, fear not. Here is a list of some of the best songs for a broken heart. These were a few broken heart songs to listen to in times of hurt and pain.

In the comments section below, please suggest other songs that might fit here, and if they meet my criteria, I will add them to the list!

• “It Must Have Been Love” ~ Roxette
• “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” ~ Michael Bolton
• “Fix You” ~ Coldplay
• “Can’t Smile Without You” ~ The Carpenters
• “Dreaming With a Broken Heart” ~ John Mayer
• “Torn” ~ Natalie Imbruglia
• “What Goes Around Comes Around” ~ Justin Timberlake
• “I Will Survive” ~ Gloria Gaynor
• “One Broken Heart For Sale” ~ Elvis Presley
• “Since You’ve Been Gone” ~ Kelly Clarkson
• “Unbreak My Heart” ~ Toni Braxton
• “You Oughta Know” ~ Alanis Morissette
• “Tragedy” ~ Marc Anthony
• “Knowing Me Knowing You” ~ ABB
• “Heart Broken Girl” ~ Beyonce Knowles
• “Another Crack In My Heart” ~ Take That
• “You Were Meant For Me” ~ Jewel
• “Let It Be” ~ The Beatles
• “I Fall To Pieces” ~ Patsy Cline
• “Broken Hearted Me” ~ Anne Murray
• “Edge of a Broken Heart” ~ Bon Jovi
• “Everything is Broken” ~ Bob Dylan
• “Love Hurts” ~ Nazareth
• “When You’re Gone” ~ Avril Lavigne
• “Crying” ~ Roy Orbison
• “It’s All Over Now” ~ The Rolling Stones
• “You Give Love a Bad Name” ~ Bon Jovi
• “Survivor” ~ Destiny’s Child
• “Fighter” ~ Christina Aguilera
• “I Want To Break Free” ~ Queen
• “Numb” ~ Linkin Park
• “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” ~ The Beatles
• “Irreplaceable” ~ Beyonce Knowles
• “Heartbreak Hotel” ~ Elvis Presely

 

Only one-third of people in therapy are men, so it’s not surprising I am frequently asked, “What can I do to get my husband or boyfriend into counseling?” I wish the answer were simple, but it’s as complex as the men we love. Men fear therapy due to shame and not just any shame, but the devastating shame of failure. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men who’ve experienced toxic doses of shame early on will do anything to avoid re-experiencing it. Shame originates in early family and peer experience, and a shamed boy becomes a man who constantly fears the possibility of humiliation. These men are the most desperate for affection and approval, yet usually can’t ask for it; instead, they reject intimacy and blame or think the worst of others. Sometimes the smallest signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds, and they’ll suddenly lash out at anyone they think is “dissing” them.

Men have a profound fear of appearing weak or—god forbid—feminine, and will do whatever possible to exert their manliness. A recent study demonstrated the length of time a guy will tough it out with his hand submerged in freezing water depends on whether he thinks his masculinity is in question. For some men, their hand could fall off before they’d risk the shame of not seeming “man enough” to take it.

In order to understand men, women cannot ignore the powerful fear that being shamed has on our partners. Unfortunately, some women understand this and become masters at shaming their men as a means of control. Men, pay attention here, many of you don’t get it either. You may not realize that avoiding shame is something that haunts you every day! A mildly embarrassing event—like carrying your wife’s purse, can over activate a man’s fear that he’s failing at being a real man.

When therapy is mentioned, a man assumes he will be asked to admit he is flawed or needs help, openly discuss and express his emotions, get vulnerable, and depend on someone else for guidance and support. Wow! What man would sign up for that? Men have male brains and women female brains, and we must learn to appreciate each other’s unique differences and not expect men to give up a chunk of their masculinity to accommodate women. What would we say if our men asked us to give up a chunk of our femaleness to accommodate them?

Men don’t enter therapy because they aren’t as aware of their psychic pain as women. Men are trying harder than ever to respond in more loving ways to their partners, to be better fathers, and to identify and manage their emotional needs more thoughtfully. Unfortunately, many haven’t figured a way to do these things and still feel like men. What we end up seeing instead is often anger. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men’s anger is often an expression of pain that women would likely display with tears or sadness. Men also “weep” by drinking, withdrawing, acting defensive, blaming others, getting irritable, being possessive, working excessively, becoming overly competitive, suffering somatic complaints and insomnia, and philandering.

I facilitated a men’s psychotherapy group for a year. What a gift – they allowed me into a place where few women ever tread – the inner sanctum of the male bonding club. I marveled at the pain, confusion, uncertainty, these men shared. The world saw them as Alpha Dogs – but in the group, they expressed feelings, doubts, failures, insecurities, tenderness, and love. They found a safe place to open their hearts to other men and not feel shame. I saw them as men who needed to be understood and accepted for the less than perfect and yet amazing men, I learned to care for so deeply.

I wish I could speak to every man who is hurting, lonely, has painful childhood memories, unhappy in a relationship or job, or in a difficult family situation. I would include men who feel stressed, depressed, anxious, stuck, empty, joyless, lonely, or the million other reasons people choose counseling. I’d reassure them it’s not about being broken, weak, or failing. It is about being human. Everyone needs someone sometime. I take my car to mechanics, my computer to technicians, and when ill I see a doctor. I don’t expect I can cure all that ails my stuff and me. How many golfers and skiers have taken lessons from a sports coach and felt they were a failure for doing so? If it makes guys feel more secure, in most cases, I actually do more coaching then counseling.

When a man chooses to engage in work that’s hard, unfamiliar, awkward, and even frightening—but which is in keeping with what really matters to him—we see a kind of courage and resolve that characterizes, well, a real men. When we recognize and honor how men communicate their caring, we can then help them find release from needless pain and allow them to be able to receive and give more in relationships. When we respect their defenses, honor their intentions, speak to them in a way that values their maleness, and connect with them as real human beings, we find that men aren’t that different. As women who are in relationships with men who can reveal their vulnerability know so well, it’s extremely rewarding to be part of the process through which a man opens up and finds that he still feels like a man, or even like more of one. He has learned to be truly powerful – not over others, but over himself. He has finally learned to express the feelings, thoughts, and caring he was accused of not having but that were really just hidden behind his wall of masculinity and fear of shame.